| 2007. |
[02 Jan 2007|07:55pm] |
so it's pretty wierd to say i made it all the way to 2007.all i can think back on is how relentless i was so face any sort of idea that i might have "let myself live" this long when i was younger. I was to engulfed in drugs,reckless behavior, wrong ideals and fucked up friends. I would sleep in parks when i was 15, break into restaurants after they were closed and steal the alchohol. Walk around the streets and ask people for money to buy drugs. All while i had braces. I can remember somebody giving us a box of pizza instead of giving us some change.Disturbing images of my past still resignate in my subcontious. All this pretty much making it hard for me to take myself seriously. I've practically lived more in the last 5 years than alot of people do in their whole lives. I feel dead at this point.
My 18th birthday is around the corner, this monday actually. That thought is making me nervous. Im finally eligible to get arrested and it be serious.I cant be rebellious, or a teenager. I can vote finally. Start my own life(again) and call my own shots.
I've learned, lost, and loved this last year. Realized that not even reality is real, that dreams don't mean shit, and that neither do the people who you've held so close to you for so long. I learned that keeping people at a distance is never beneficial, but it always keeps you safe. if you don't have feelings for anyone, then it's nearly impossible for anyone to hurt you, but so much easier for everyone to make you angry. Anger is such a waste of emotion and time,though.Kinda makes me wish i'd learned how to love instead. Atleast then i'd be gaining some sort of gratification, and not just another migraine. Even if the feeling is fake, atleast im feeling something. thats not who i am though. I look in the mirror every morning and stare into a set of dead eyes...
I realized that i was filling my emptiness with vodka on the rocks, gin and tonics;the often- yet seemingly occasional bag of coke. Life passing by so fucking quickly, and not being able to remember any of it. I've surrounded myself with such fickle people. adults who can't grow up. And kids who want nothing more then a sense of false hope, false acceptance. They determined who they were according to "guest lists" and vip tables. Bottles.Nice cars, and all nighters. People who pride themselves on continuously being belligerent and incoherent. Managing all of this, while accomplishing absolutely nothing. I've turned into something that is no different. Except i come from a family that has strived so hard, and have still managed to have so little. Instead of helping the cause, i'm making it harder. Killing all sorts of potential that i have. Fucking up my future.
I want this year to be full of self accomplishments. I want to finally find that person i am comfortable with, and that i don't secretly want to hurt, and make miserable. I want to show myself that what i once was is not completely lost. I want a sense of stability without having to engorge myself in self loathing and pitty. Destructive behaviour or fairwhethered friends. If that means i'll stand alone, then i guess that means i'll stand alone.
here i go.
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[06 Dec 2005|02:19pm] |
i only touch this thing when im at work and there is no possibility for me to myspace on my lunch break.
i've come the the funniest conclusion.
that makes me happy in the oddest way, but happy none the less.
i can come to terms with the fact that i surround myself with hundreds of people a week.
but im alone, all at the same time.
well not really. not entirely.
i've been meeting some really amazing people in these last couple of months.
but as always, im never satisfied. and the people whove been in my life the longest, are begining to not mean as much as i once made myself believe them to mean. but its ok.
because i like having my own life finally.
and i like being able to talk to people who dont know who any of these other people are.
and they are all such well put together individuals. who feel comfortable with themselves. regardless of slight or not so slight imperfections. and i'm moving on perfectly fine. wich makes life such an amazing thing to be a part of.
i have a crush on this boy from really far away who lives really close now.
and its good. because i think hes got a crush on me too. and he's exactly what i've always wanted to have a crush on...
but, i have a boyfriend. who has an amazing brain and is fun. but not exactly what i would see myself dating.
life hands you the wierdest cards. and i saw my dad last night.. first time in maybe 8 months. he's doing well, and my baby sister is huge. and beautiful. but i think my dad might have some sort of illness he doesn't want to tell me about...
this is going to be the last entry of this thing ever.
it just is.
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[26 Nov 2005|11:50am] |
life has been amazing to me.
i've managed to do everything i want to do.
and maintain a steady living.
cheers for being 16 and independ3nt.
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[21 Oct 2005|10:03pm] |
ok so its been a long while.
and all i really have to say is that eventhough im working.
and regardless of that fact that im making good/decent money,
i've never been as hungry as i am now.
and i feel malnutritioned.
and over worked.
and sexually frustrated.
and i feel distant. from alot of people who i still hold close.
who seem to be so far away, only because the world feels far away.
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[21 Aug 2005|10:00am] |
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there are many of you who i hold close that are departing for college all across the united states in the next few weeks,next few days. maybe even hours? i hope you all go off into this huge world and change it in some way or another. make a fucking difference please. you are all capable of it. so fucking do it.
i'll come visit those who i give a shit about later on. and you can show me all your favorite record stores and cofee houses.
life is swell.i'm happy. pertty drug free. and employed.
i want to re.establish lost friendships. maybe i'm silly for wanting that.
and maybe i should stop dwelling on things...
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[18 May 2005|12:10am] |
today opened up my eyes.
i like being surounded with people who dont care about anything
that has to do with what you wear or who you sleep with.
how cool your hair is, or how clear your skin is.
they all have a message to bring to this world.
and they all know what they're talking about.
and they all care about who you are,
and they truly are individualists.
not somebody who strives so hard to be an individual,
that they end up being just like everyone else.
they don't hold their noses in the air before knowing who you are.
they, unlike alot of people that i've met in the last three years of my life,
are not prejudice, or ignorant.
brilliant kids.
im into this
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[12 May 2005|07:37pm] |
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bloc party[price of gas] |
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this week was spent watching way to much television, with cathy.
today though, we accomplished some things.
got bike passes.
and lubed up our bike chains to make them run smooth as fuck.
put air in the tires, and what not.
JAMBUIE is gross as hell.
if you know what that is, and have experienced JAMBUIE, i feel nothng but bad for you.
life is really good,
eventhough it's completely uneventful.
sometimes, thats a good thing.
it is this time atleast.
i like the feeling of being idle,
and only sleeping, and sleeping some more because sleep makes me more tired.
and then waking up, and eating.
then hanging out with the girl who saved my life.
i rode my bike to cathys the other day,
from NW 7th Street , all the way to Pinecrest.
not too shabby.
if you promise to give me something exciting to do, i'll ride my bike to
wherever it is you live/are. and we'll hang.
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[08 May 2005|05:27pm] |
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i'm such a sad drunk.
and i do things i know i'll regret when i'm sober.
first night i meet paolo's significant other,
and i puke in their hotel. haha.
i felt like a douche.
i thought itd be a good idea to down half a bottle of whine after that.
and now, i feel like death.
i feel like death.
but last night,
turned out for the best.
and i'm happy i got to see my favorite boys again,
and have good times being reckless.
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[19 Oct 2004|12:37am] |
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music |
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[rilo kiley] science vs. romance |
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::::: comment to be added::::
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